Too Early for Goodbye
In August 2000, Alphabet died.
I got a call from our college friends, telling me that Alphabet was in the hospital. We visited him and I managed to catch a glimpse of him as he lay in bed. We weren't allowed to enter his room, but a relative of his updated us on Alphabet's situation.
A few days later, I was informed that he passed away. I was shocked, along with everyone else. Sure, he was the oldest in our barkada, but he was at the prime of his life. But more than shocked, I was saddened.
I hadn't seen Alphabet since my debut. When I invited him, he was already persona non grata in our barkada, due to some misunderstanding about a girl he and another friend were courting. But we remained in touch, although not as often as before. He had transferred to another school, also, which contributed to the widening gap.
During my debut, he had the girl in tow and he came late. I was worried because he was my 17th dance (I had to save the 18th for my escort). In his face I could read the sadness, and now I begin to feel how hard it must have been for him to come to my birthday when his friends were all ignoring him. After the brief dance, he left without a word. It was as if he came merely to satisfy me, as if it was his birthday gift to me.
At his funeral, I learned that most of his friends have forgiven him. So it became a sort of reunion for us, the Giordano Girls, and the Untouchables. There were so many stories of Alphabet, updates to his life, but in essence, he remained a mystery to us.
I so badly wanted to share snippets of my journal with my friends. Journals that detailed my friendship with him, stories of his life that only I knew because it was between the two of us. I brought my journals to the funeral, and my close friends and I journeyed back to when Alphabet lives and breathes.
But the most striking entry was our conversation about dying. Months before I was to turn 18, I shared that I had this scary thought that I'd never see my 18th birthday. That, like Sleeping Beauty, tragedy would befall me on the eve of my birthday. I couldn't look far ahead into the future and see myself.
He assured that I was being paranoid. That I'd do fine and advised me not to dwell on such things.
On the next breath, he was telling me he's pretty sure he'd never live to see his 25th birthday. It was time to turn the table and for me to call him paranoid. But he said he knew his body well, and it wouldn't last that long.
Those were the thoughts running in my head as I looked at him lying cold on a shallow box. All along we believed he was two years older than we were...it was what he led us to believe so we'd make him our kuya. But when we asked his mom, he was just a year older.
He died in August of 2000. Months before his 25th birthday.
And the words he'd spoken over the phone returned to me with a scream. It pained me to know that I know of this, and yet...wasn't able to say goodbye. It pained me to know that all those years, I had made myself believe that come what may, we'd cross paths again. It pained me to believe that I wasn't the friend to him that I promised to be.
I wanted badly to introduce myself to his mother and give her my journal filled with Alphabet's memories. But there was no use. My friends laughed at our corny conversations, oohed and ahhed at the kilig moments and cried at my brokenheartedness. But it was a past Alphabet and I shared, his secret and my fantasy granted. I wanted to keep it to myself and yet shout it to the world...that yes, I did loved him way back. Perhaps I did not love him anymore that time, but he had been a precious part of my life then.
But, like his passing on, I too have moved on. Whatever stories my journal held, they were to be buried with him. What remained of our story is in my head. A loving tribute to the enigmatic charming guy/friend/brother.
PS: I just was reminded that indeed, this month we celebrate his death. I started this entry in February, meaning to write the words just as they come. But for one reason or another, I never did get to finish it until today. August 22.
Goodbye Alphabet.
I got a call from our college friends, telling me that Alphabet was in the hospital. We visited him and I managed to catch a glimpse of him as he lay in bed. We weren't allowed to enter his room, but a relative of his updated us on Alphabet's situation.
A few days later, I was informed that he passed away. I was shocked, along with everyone else. Sure, he was the oldest in our barkada, but he was at the prime of his life. But more than shocked, I was saddened.
I hadn't seen Alphabet since my debut. When I invited him, he was already persona non grata in our barkada, due to some misunderstanding about a girl he and another friend were courting. But we remained in touch, although not as often as before. He had transferred to another school, also, which contributed to the widening gap.
During my debut, he had the girl in tow and he came late. I was worried because he was my 17th dance (I had to save the 18th for my escort). In his face I could read the sadness, and now I begin to feel how hard it must have been for him to come to my birthday when his friends were all ignoring him. After the brief dance, he left without a word. It was as if he came merely to satisfy me, as if it was his birthday gift to me.
At his funeral, I learned that most of his friends have forgiven him. So it became a sort of reunion for us, the Giordano Girls, and the Untouchables. There were so many stories of Alphabet, updates to his life, but in essence, he remained a mystery to us.
I so badly wanted to share snippets of my journal with my friends. Journals that detailed my friendship with him, stories of his life that only I knew because it was between the two of us. I brought my journals to the funeral, and my close friends and I journeyed back to when Alphabet lives and breathes.
But the most striking entry was our conversation about dying. Months before I was to turn 18, I shared that I had this scary thought that I'd never see my 18th birthday. That, like Sleeping Beauty, tragedy would befall me on the eve of my birthday. I couldn't look far ahead into the future and see myself.
He assured that I was being paranoid. That I'd do fine and advised me not to dwell on such things.
On the next breath, he was telling me he's pretty sure he'd never live to see his 25th birthday. It was time to turn the table and for me to call him paranoid. But he said he knew his body well, and it wouldn't last that long.
Those were the thoughts running in my head as I looked at him lying cold on a shallow box. All along we believed he was two years older than we were...it was what he led us to believe so we'd make him our kuya. But when we asked his mom, he was just a year older.
He died in August of 2000. Months before his 25th birthday.
And the words he'd spoken over the phone returned to me with a scream. It pained me to know that I know of this, and yet...wasn't able to say goodbye. It pained me to know that all those years, I had made myself believe that come what may, we'd cross paths again. It pained me to believe that I wasn't the friend to him that I promised to be.
I wanted badly to introduce myself to his mother and give her my journal filled with Alphabet's memories. But there was no use. My friends laughed at our corny conversations, oohed and ahhed at the kilig moments and cried at my brokenheartedness. But it was a past Alphabet and I shared, his secret and my fantasy granted. I wanted to keep it to myself and yet shout it to the world...that yes, I did loved him way back. Perhaps I did not love him anymore that time, but he had been a precious part of my life then.
But, like his passing on, I too have moved on. Whatever stories my journal held, they were to be buried with him. What remained of our story is in my head. A loving tribute to the enigmatic charming guy/friend/brother.
PS: I just was reminded that indeed, this month we celebrate his death. I started this entry in February, meaning to write the words just as they come. But for one reason or another, I never did get to finish it until today. August 22.
Goodbye Alphabet.
posted by WINTERFIRE @ 2:37 AM
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